Magic Monkey Tree

The discovery of two "monkey heads" poking out of the bark of an otherwise non-descript African Mahogany tree have sparked a minor craze in the southeast Asian state, as devotees seek numbers from what they believe to be a god living in the tree.

OK, that is TOTALLY the monkey doll I had as a kid.

Right?! There he is!

In a tree.

Anyway, I came across this story on my new favorite website, Monkeys In The News.

All monkey, all the time. How cool is that?

The Devil's Bible

Return of Devil's Bible to Prague draws crowds

The devil has a bible!? Well let's see that bad boy! I mean, the regular bible is full of death, sex, adultery, murder, kidnapping, punishment, etc., etc. Imagine the all extra helping of bullshit the devil's must have! Get it published! It would look great next to my Book Of The Dead.

Himalayan Hop

A photo that may be the best evidence of the yeti was sold yesterday for £3,500 at an auction in London.

OK. All beliefs aside, I think whoever bought this was ripped off big time.

ONE photo of a SINGLE footprint.

Shouldn't there be a SECOND footprint? A trail?

If there was a picture of that, well, that would be something.

Instead all I see is a hoppin' yeti made that print.

And, as everyone know, Abominables bounce.

Currently My Favorite Commercial...

Jacques Cousteau And Lake Tahoe

Hey, that rhymes!

Welcome all who plugged that Jacques Cousteau and Lake Tahoe into your google. I know there are a lot of you. A hell of a lot!

You came across this, Nevada'a Mysteries, which I posted this past Monday.

Well, I asked for someone to "Get a camera down there and let us see the abyss!"

And here is the perfect device to do so!

Stealthy QinetiQ sentry goes where danger lurks so you won't have to

If I had money, I'd have one of those things on the shore of Lake Tahoe by 4pm today and we could finally get to the bottom of the lake.

Update On The Boy On The Wing Of This Plane!

I figured it was this way, but didn't mention it so you'll have to take my word for it.

Boy who flew to Moscow in plane's wheel well faces amputation

He was in the wheel well. People have done this before, but most of them die.

After running away from home last week, hitching a ride to the airport, and
clambering into the wheel well of a passenger plane, Shcherbakov survived
temperatures hitting minus 50 degrees Celsius (-58 Fahrenheit) on a two-hour
flight from Perm to Moscow's Vnukovo Airport. Doctors said it was nothing short
of a miracle that he survived the flight.

But in the article, it says a Moscow clinic refused to continue treating him.

That too, is cold.

Sara Silverman Rules

I just saw a story that Sara Silverman is getting negative reaction to her Britney jokes at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Why? For calling it as it is? For putting a funny spin on the truth? She did the same with that other dumb blonde at the Movie Awards.

I don't think it will bother her. I hope it doesn't.

She hilarious.

New episodes of The Sara Silverman Program start Wednesday, October 3rd at 10:30 on Comedy Central.

See (or even better, buy) Sara Silverman: Jesus Is Magic.

It's Not Just Glaciers That Are Shrinking

NUDITY could be outlawed on the world's tallest mountain complaints about the number of climbers attempting to reach its summit without clothes

Bill O'Reilly A Racist? Ignorant? Pompus Arrogance?

Bill, I'll take you to places in Harlem and all over the world where people act like normal, civilized people and you'd be so surprised you'd drop your loofah sponge and forget to sexually abuse women.

And for those of you who listen to him, shame on you.

And to make this fair - those who listen to Air America, shame on you too.

Please feel free to make up your own mind and not act like a tree hugger or rapist.

Ninjas On The Loose!

Peruvian Pod People Update

Peru’s Meteor: Illness Explained, Invitation Extended

The Peruvian Pod People I told you about are OK, and about to make a bunch of money on tourists.

First, the crater outside a Peruvian town near Lake Titicaca was caused by a
meteorite, not a mud volcano, crashed American satellite, Chilean
missile attack or “a lake of sedimentary deposit.”

Secondly, the mystery illness is probably not due to “panspermic alien
microbes” or other space-based bacteria, as much as some had hoped or feared,
however unseriously. It came from the soil, a Peruvian researcher who has
visited the site tells National
Geographic:

The illness was the result of inhaling arsenic fumes, according to
Luisa Macedo, a researcher for Peru’s Mining, Metallurgy, and Geology Institute
(INGEMMET), who visited the crash site.
The meteorite created the gases when
the object’s hot surface met an underground water supply tainted with arsenic,
the scientists said.

Numerous arsenic deposits have been found in the subsoils of southern
Peru, explained Modesto Montoya, a nuclear physicist who collaborated with the
team. The naturally formed deposits contaminate local drinking water.

“If the meteorite arrives incandescent and at a high temperature
because of friction in the atmosphere, hitting water can create a column of
steam,” added José Ishitsuka, an astronomer at the Peruvian Geophysics
Institute, who analyzed the object.

Mom Always Said Don't Play With Balls In The House!

Sorry guys, but Brady Bunch Star's Bio Not A Kiss-Jan-And-Tell

It was just a mean rumor.

That's fine with me. Despite 'ol Dad was more interested in Sam's meat than Mom's tuna casserole, I still like to think of the Brady Bunch as that American Family that never could exist in real life.

When Baboons Go Bad

Rampant and sexist, brazen baboons swing into town

“I tried to get rid of them, but they were having a party, eating all my
bread, bananas and avocados and swigging bottles of wine they had taken out of
the refrigerator,” said Carol White, who runs the Camel Rock restaurant in the
quiet village of Scarborough near Cape Point, South Africa, at the very tip of
the continent.

“They ignore women completely and only cleared off when one of my male
staff came,” she added.

Sounds like Giants fans.

Over the past few months, the baboons have burgled houses, sometimes
by pushing their babies through security bars and getting them to open a window latch. They have also raided the only store in the town and
have intimidated inhabitants, particularly women. A few weeks ago they
fought a pitched battle with a group of pet dogs — most of which came off worse
— further terrifying residents.

They're teaching their kids!

Sounds like Jets fans.

— Chippy, a male chimpanzee, pictured, was exposed in 2001 as the perpetrator of
heavy-breathing phone calls after staff at Blair Drummond Safari Park, in
Stirlingshire, recognised his shriek. He had stolen a keeper’s phone and learnt
to operate the redial button.

Ok, that sounds like me.

There's A Boy On The Wing Of This Plane!

Boy survives two-hour flight to Moscow hanging onto plane wing

A 15-year-old boy from the Urals suffered acute frostbite after riding the
wing of a Boeing-737 plane on a two-hour flight from Perm to Moscow, Russian
radio station Mayak reported on Monday.

Considering more vodka infused stories come out of Russia than Britney's ass, I'd be inclined to doubt this until we have offical word from Yakoff Smirnoff. "In Russia, plane flies you!"

Ratfish

Scientists discover rare albino ratfish

Yikes.

I perfer my Ratdog.

Call Now! Our Janitors Are Standing By...

Nevada's Mysteries

Fossett disappearance adds to state's notorious mysteries

Steve Fossett is still, unfortunatley, missing. It's all about recovery now.

This article has some other of Nevada's mysteries, and it mentions my favorite:

Another stumper is the business about frozen bodies at the bottom of that
same lake in the Sierra. Oceanographer Jacques Cousteau was supposedly
frightened right out of his wetsuit during a dive in a sub in the mid-1970s.
"The world isn't ready for what was down there," he was quoted as saying.

Cousteau did not release photographs from the deep-water trip, adding
to the mystery. Many divers have since requested to duplicate the dive.

When I went to Lake Tahoe some years ago I heard about this. Lake Tahoe is cold. One of the deepest, coldest lakes in the world. The Native Americans would bury their dead there, letting them drop into the middle of the lake.

I also heard the story of a little girl found dead on the lakeside years ago. Looking recently drowned, there were no reports of missing girls and her case went unsolved for many years until a police officer, who was looking through old unsolved missing cases, came across something familiar.

The girl was missing, but from the turn of the century, early 1900's. She drowned, got stuck on something in the lake, and the coldness preserved her until she was unwedged and floated to the shore.

True story? Who knows. But if there was anything to scare Jacques Cousteau, then it would be a lake bottom full of preserved bodies.

C'mon National Geographic! Get a camera down there and let us see the abyss!

Mysteries of the deep at Lake Tahoe

Many have told me that, if you were to take a submarine down 900 feet just
off South Shore, you would see hundreds of bodies suspended in the water,
preserved perfectly like an underwater wax museum, most wearing clothes from the 1920s, '30s and '40s.

The legend is that this is where the Mafia killers dumped bodies after
executions. Some fishermen even call the spot The Grave. At Tahoe, many locals
talk as if everybody knows about this, that there are lots of gangsters down
there, wearing pinstriped suits, with sneers on their faces and bullet holes in
their foreheads.

This makes sense. It has long been verified that Tahoe is a lake that
does not give up its dead. That is because the lake is so deep, with an average
depth of 989 feet, and so cold, with the temperature hovering just above
freezing. So that prevents the creation of gases that would otherwise bloat and
float corpses to the surface as in other waters.

This reality brings bizarre possibilities.

Zapped!

Ananova:

Biker's penis hit by lightning

A Croatian motorbiker's penis was zapped by lightning as he stopped beside the road to take a leak.

Ante Djindjic, 29, from Zagreb, said: "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in hospital.

"Doctors said the lightning went through my body and because I was wearing rubber boots it earthed itself through my penis."

Djindjic, who suffered light burns to his chest and arms, added: "Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually."

Newsflash! 2,500 Years Ago

The world is round!

-Aristole (384-322 BC)

Would You Buy Real Estate From This Guy?

Under A Red Moon

NASA Administrator Michael Griffin says he believes China will return to the moon with human explorers before the U.S. accomplishes that goal with its Constellation Program, as the economic competition fueled by spaceflight activities intensifies.




But if I were to say, my fellow citizens, that we shall send to the moon, 240,000 miles away from the control station in Houston, a giant rocket more than 300 feet tall, the length of this football field, made of new metal alloys, some of which have not yet been invented, capable of standing heat and stresses several times more than have ever been experienced, fitted together with a precision better than the finest watch, carrying all the equipment needed for propulsion, guidance, control, communications, food and survival, on an untried mission, to an unknown celestial body, and then return it safely to earth, re-entering the atmosphere at speeds of over 25,000 miles per hour, causing heat about half that of the temperature of the sun--almost as hot as it is here today--and do all this, and do it right, and do it first before this decade is out--then we must be bold.

I'm the one who is doing all the work, so we just want you to stay cool for a minute.

However, I think we're going to do it, and I think that we must pay what needs to be paid. I don't think we ought to waste any money, but I think we ought to do the job. And this will be done in the decade of the sixties. It may be done while some of you are still here at school at this college and university. It will be done during the term of office of some of the people who sit here on this platform. But it will be done. And it will be done before the end of this decade.



Remember when presidential speeches would energize and inspire us?

Me neither.

The last 8 I saw were THE SAME bullshit that is keeping this country lagging behind any reach for our future for our kin and countrymen.

Moo York City

Are you missing a cow?

An errant cow is headed for greener pastures after being corralled by police following a two-mile chase through the streets of Queens.

No one seemed to know where the cow came from. Gentles said there have been
no reports of a missing cow from any of the area slaughterhouses.

Superman Returns

Police are investigating after villagers in Romania claimed to see a Superman-like figure flying through the sky.

A metorite hit.... a Superman sighting... all within a week?

You know what this means?

Romanians are silly.

Hey There Go-Getter!

Yea, you! Standing on the train, looking around at everyone. Yes, it's New York! You have that big smile on your face, reading the subway map. Hoping you'll get there in time. Where? Why, maybe an interview for your dream job! Or maybe you're just starting your dream job! You've got your briefcase, your travel luggage and a new suit, nice shoes, nice watch and a haircut! You're ready to take on the world, aren't ya?! You're a go-getter!






And your fly is down.


And I'm not going to tell you. Sucka.

You Use To Walk Uphill And In The Snow To School?

Big deal.

Death defying school run

A bridge is to be built in a Chinese village where children are forced to cross
a raging torrent on a steel cable to get to school.

Rocks From Outer Space!

What did I tell you last month?

Well, Peru learned the hard way.

We got lucky it hit an open field, but look at the size of the crater and imagine if that hit outside your home or office?

And now people are getting sick.

A meteorite has struck a remote part of Peru and carved a large crater that is emitting noxious odours and making villagers ill.

Or... they are becoming pod people. PERUVIAN POD PEOPLE!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!

Gerbils From Outer Space!

The Russian space agency has blasted 10 gerbils into space for a 12-day mission to test the possible effects on humans of a flight to Mars.

Insert your own Richard Gere joke here.

MapleWood Drug Bust

The Kid Who Got Tazed At John Kerry's Q&A

Got EXACTLY what he deserved.

He resisted arrest. He threw the police off him TWICE. He was then restrained and in order for the police to contain the situation, which is their job, he was tazed so he would not try again, therefore they were able to safely remove him.

Anyone thinking otherwise should be tazed themselves.

The Invasion Has Begun

Mystery illness strikes after meteorite hits Peruvian village

Rescue teams and experts were dispatched to the scene, where the meteorite
left a 100-foot-wide (30-meter-wide) and 20-foot-deep (six-meter-deep) crater,
said local official Marco Limache.

"Boiling water started coming out of the crater and particles of rock
and cinders were found nearby. Residents are very concerned," he said.

You know what this means?

PERUVIAN POD PEOPLE!

Target: Kevin Federline

Duck!

"Entertainment Tonight" is reporting a contract has been put out on Kevin Federline's life.





I have no respect for Britney or any other of these white trash messes that are constantly in the news and I try and avoid at all costs.

BUT... what if a drugged out and messed up Britney tried to buy a hit on K-Fed? Or maybe wished out-loud that he was dead? All in order to keep feeding her kids pixie sticks?

I think it's possible!!

Only Two More Days Until Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Wednesday September 19th 2007 is Talk Like a Pirate Day!

"Yarr! Weigh anchor! Hoist the mizzen! Savvy, ye scallywag?!"

“Or ye will be in Davey Jones' locker soon, ye Landlubber!”

"Skuttle me Skippers!"

Celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day or I'll have yer guts for garters!

Place Your Orders Today!

The most direct shipping route from Europe to Asia is fully clear of ice for the first time since records began, the European Space Agency (Esa) says.

Now you can get your European porn even faster!

More Odd Animal Pairing

Baboon adopts a chicken at Lithuanian zoo

"He plays with the chicken, cleans its feathers, sleeps with it, and takes
care as if it was his own baby child," the zoo director said.

"But I am not sure how long this affair would last, because baboon may
finally realise this is food."

So who will be eaten first? The Baboon's chicken or the Monkey's dove?

Dove At First Sight

It's a tale straight out of Disney – an abandoned baby monkey, close to
death, is revived by the love of a bird.

The 12-week-old macaque was rescued on Neilingding Island, in Goangdong
Province, China, after being abandoned by his mother.

Taken to an animal hospital, he was weaned back to physical health but
still showed little appetite for life.

It was not until a fellow patient, a white pigeon, took him under her
wing and showed him love and affection that he perked up.

Now the two are inseparable, say staff.

They are not the first odd couple. In March, we told how a tiger cub in
China was being raised by a sow along with her piglets because his mother didn't
know how to feed him.

And in 2005 Mi-Lu the baby deer became best friends with lurcher
Geoffrey at the Knowsley Animal Park, in Merseyside, after being rejected by her
mother.

Awww... so nice. Until the monkey eats the bird.

The 20 Most Bizarre Experiments Of All Time

These are some amazing stories. One warning, if you're an animal lover, you might not want to venture to the link. But I think many of these experiments show, if anything, that the human nature is very basic at its roots. Much like a dog, we can be trained to do, think or feel ANYTHING. This is why there are horrible acts, genocide, ignorance and religion. Although no one is capable of reaching a true higher enlightenment, everyone is capable of pressing a button.

Elephants On Acid: The Top 20 Most Bizarre Experiments Of All Time

Don't be fooled by the website name, the author explains:

One question you may be wondering: Why are these experiments listed here, on the
Museum of Hoaxes? They're not hoaxes, are they? No, they're not. All of these
experiments really did occur. I put the list here simply because I already had
this site up and running, and I didn't feel like designing a new site just for
one list.

My favorites are #2. Obedience, #7 The Stanford Prison Experiment and #19 Shock The Puppy.

These show how easy humans are manipulated and how powerful the feeling of power can be. The first two I've read about before, but the third one really shocked me. In Shock The Puppy:

... subjects were told — volunteers from an undergraduate psychology course —
that the puppy was being trained to distinguish between a flickering and a
steady light. It had to stand either to the right or the left depending on the
cue from the light. If the animal failed to stand in the correct place, the
subjects had to press a switch to shock it. As in the Milgram experiment, the
shock level increased 15 volts for every wrong answer. But unlike the Milgram
experiment, the puppy really was getting zapped.

Cruel right? Well gentlemen, read on about the results:

As the voltage increased, the puppy first barked, then jumped up and down, and
finally started howling with pain. The volunteers were horrified. They paced
back and forth, hyperventilated, and gestured with their hands to show the puppy
where to stand. Many openly wept. Yet the majority of them, twenty out of
twenty-six, kept pushing the shock button right up to the maximum voltage.
Intriguingly, the six students who refused to go on were all men. All thirteen
women who participated in the experiment obeyed right up until the end.

Damn girls. I knew some could be cold and heartless... but a puppy? Damn.

Also - a monkey head transplant? Two headed dogs?

All true... and bizarre.

Good reading!

Color Me Katy

Multi-coloured grasshopper-like bugs found in Japan

Humberto? Humberto!

Somebody was busy last night!

Yesterday I heard about a little tropical depression in the Gulf of Mexico. Aww, the pitter-patter of little rain drops upon your face.

This morning I hear that Hurricane Humberto hit Texas! Wahhh? Were did that come from?!

Humberto 'snuck up on us'

It was the name. A name like Humberto just doesn't sound menacing. You think you feel safe.

Like that time I was buying some weed from Engelbert Humperdink. "Humperdink? This should be no problem" I thought to my young self. Oh, my young self! If I could only go back in time and warn him about Humperdink! Instead, I have grim, hazy reminder of handing over money only to get a handkerchief soaked in ether and then anally raped behind the Pathmark. So young, so naive. Damn you Humperdink!! Damn you straight to hell!!

What was I talking about?

Suck It Jesus!

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus," an exultant Griffin said, holding up her statuette. "Suck it, Jesus. This award is my god now."

Now I don't recall the last time Kathy Griffith made me laugh, but I support her right to say it.

Considering the arrogance of anyone who thanks a god in a competition when there are losers suggests that a god picked one over the other, I applaud Kathy Griffith for pointing out the absurdity.

She's probably going to get censored on the Emmy's for saying that.

People Against Censorship

And if you're insulted? If you want her fired? If you want her never to perform again?

Well then you are no different than the maniacs who kill because someone said something bad or drew a picture of Allah. NO DIFFERENT.

So suck it jesus, suck it hard.

The Ice Cream Caper

New York, New York

Where Did The Pig Come From?

A dog in China has adopted a piglet, nursing it as if it were her own puppy.

Huihu, from Chongqing city, adopted the piglet after her five pups were
stillborn.

"She was very depressed for one week, then one night came home with a
tiny black piglet following her," says owner, Lao Yi.

Wait a sec.... well then there is a Mommy Pig somewhere missing a piglet! WHERE DID THE PIG COME FROM? I guess no one cares once a pig is suckin' on a dog teat. Oh how cute.

An Ocean Full Of Energy

Big oil will put a stop to this.

Salt water as fuel? Erie man hopes so

Sunny news from Dreary Erie!

His discovery has spawned scientific interest in using the world's most
abundant substance as clean fuel, among other uses.

Rustum Roy, a Penn State University chemist, held a demonstration last
week at the university's Materials Research Laboratory in State College, to
confirm what he'd witnessed weeks before in an Erie lab.

What's A Maserati Mushroom?

...is what I thought when I saw this headline.

Latvian mushroom hunter finds $140,000 Maserati in forest

Oh. A Maserati. Nevermind.

Myrtle Young - The Potato Chip Lady

I remember watching this as a kid and laughing so hard I woke my parents up.

Pardon Me...

Superstitious Air

Nepal's state-run airline has confirmed that it sacrificed two goats to appease a Hindu god, following technical problems with one of its aircraft.

I'd like to visit Nepal, but I'll take the bus, thank you.

This Could Explain A Lot...

Watching television more than two hours a day early in life can lead to attention problems later in adolescence, according to a study released on Tuesday.

This is probably why I get sick to my stomach everytime I try and clean up around the place.

More Chinese Toy Recall!

Do not eat.

Panda Bear Traps

Do not see.

Do not attempt a Chinese Downhill.

Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge

Vanilla Ice gets his ass kicked by a bull.

Awesome.

Now showing on CMT. Which is probably way up in the 200's on your local cable box.

Missing: Stephen Fossett

World aviation record holder Stephen Fossett is missing and a search is
under way in western Nevada, an aviation spokeswoman said.

Some of his accomplishments:

In 2005, Fossett made the first solo nonstop and non-refueled circumnavigation of the world in 67 hours in the Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer, a single engine jet airplane.

In 2006, he again circumnavigated the world unrefueled non-stop in 76 hours, 45 minutes in the GlobalFlyer setting the absolute record for the longest flight by any aircraft in history of 26,389 statute miles (42,469 km).

In 2002 Fossett received aviation's highest award, the Gold Medal of the Fédération Aéronautique Internationale (FAI).

Looks like his plane went down.

More Steamed Crap Please!!!

No more 'steamed crap' on Beijing menus

Return Of The Chupacabra

Hunter wants DNA test for remains that may explain chupacabra legend

Looks like a dog to me.

William Shakespeare Dead!

Can I borrow your towel? My car hit a water buffalo.

Firefighters cut a 19-year-old man free from his car after it crashed into a water buffalo in south Cumbria.

"A water buffalo named William Shakespeare, who was very well known in the
area, tragically sustained fatal injuries in the collision and died at the
scene. "