Reading Time!

Every week I go to a meeting! And I'm handed an 8 page book! And the person who spent the last 2 days making that book reads it to me! Word for word!

I'm so lucky! I don't have to read, I just have to listen! I pay so much attention! Yay!

Alright you corporate time wasters, if we're gonna keep this up, I'd like to make a few suggestions.

Beanbag chairs. I mean, if we gonna squeeze 15 people in a closet we might as well have some beanbag chairs to make it more comfortable. The radiator just isn't the level of luxury it seems to be.

Cookies. On little plastic end tables.

And some juice boxes. Fruit, orange and even get some milk to starve off that osteoporosis I see in so many's future.

A toy chest in the corner, in case I tire of doodling, I can at least play construction worker with some playschool cars and orange cones.

The alphabet stenciled around the room. Capital and small letters, dammit. In cursive!

Some construction paper, various colors and some scissors, the plastic kind, not too sharp.

And finally, can I sit next to the cute girl with pigtails? Because I want to pull on them every once in a while because I like her but don't want her to know so I'll just annoy her.

Because if I'm going to be read to like a kid, then I want to be treated like a kid.

On Land Or Sea Or Foam...

Show me the way to go home

I'm tired and I want to go to bed

I had a little drink about an hour ago

And it went right to my head

Where ever I may roam

On land or sea or foam

You will always hear me singing this song

Show me the way to go home

I always wondered about that line. How do you roam on foam?

I've seen foam down the Jersey Shore. Usually during or after a storm. I think the highest I ever saw it was up to my knees but it is usually ankle deep and looks like this:

Well... then there is Australia. They always have to do things a little bigger down under, aye?

Cappuccino Coast: The day the Pacific was whipped up into an ocean of froth

Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean, such as
salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed.

I'll think I'll stick to roaming on the land and sea.

I've Seen This Movie

Senator Larry Craig: toe-tapper, dick slapper.

Not getting much support so far from your political colleagues? I wonder why?

Those whispers in the hallowed halls of liberty have now muted to nods of "I knew it" to each other.

And as all these other affairs come to light, or out of thin air as you'll deem it to the press, don't worry... this script has been written and proved effective:

Deny, deny, deny.... oh wait, I'm sorry, I am, and I've found god.

You ol' GOP'ers... you're the new priests!

Thank You For Choosing Nippon Airli... AHHHH!!!

Here it is in slow motion



The plane and all its passengers are fine.

Rare Velvet Underground Footage

I remember watching The Lawrence Welk Show as a kid with my grandparents.

AH-Wonderful! AH-Wonderful! And a lot of bubbles.

But this one was before my time, and though I don't recall seeing it in re-runs, I'm glad to share it now - when The Velvet Underground made it's first television appearance, on The Lawrence Welk Show.

I Got By On My Looks My Whole Life Until...

This moment.

Even if you've seen it, watch this clip until the end.



Oh Miss Carolina. Nothing could be finer than to see you in the diner reading a book.

So Michael Vick Apologies

Yet no one cries for Little Jerry.

Dog fighting, cock fighting, bull fighting, snake vs. mongoose fighting - look, this shit happens all the time everywhere.

I don't like how people get their panties in a bunch over ONE EXAMPLE, in which Michael Vick is solely being used for because he's a public figure.

Yea, it's repulsive and I think he should be locked in a room with an angry pit bull, but this stuff happens all the time, even right now somewhere and in a few weeks this story will be gone and the fights will continue.

So unless you animal lovers are going to start doing something about it and demand your lawmakers start tracking these fights down and stopping them, then I don't want to hear it. SHUT UP.

Today there will be another dog fight. Another cock fight. Another bull fight. Another snake vs. mongoose fight. We're animals people, and making a shining example one day and let it fade away afterwards is just unnecessary and a waste of time.

Good Will Hunting 2

The Void

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

The universe has a huge hole in it that dwarfs anything else of its kind. The discovery caught astronomers by surprise.

The hole is nearly a billion light-years across. It is not a black hole, which
is a small sphere of densely packed matter. Rather, this one is mostly devoid of
stars, gas and other normal matter, and it's also strangely empty of the
mysterious "dark matter" that permeates the cosmos. Other space voids have been found before, but nothing on this scale.

Forget the alien creatures found at the bottom of the ocean - THIS is scary.

A billion light years across... of nothing. Nothing! Well, logically there should be something... but what? It's like the Nothing that destroyed Fantasia.

We Are All On Drugs

Scientists drug-test whole cities

Researchers have figured out how to give an entire community a drug test using just a teaspoon of wastewater from a city's sewer plant.

The test wouldn't be used to finger any single person as a drug user. But it would help federal law enforcement and other agencies track the spread of dangerous drugs, like methamphetamines, across the country.

Deep-Sea Aliens

Yikes!

Abundant new and rare marine species have been discovered on a deep-sea mountain range in the middle of the North Atlantic

But they are all not scary.

Take this guy, who I would name Googly-Eye!

So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish!

So sad that it should come to this
We tried to warn you all those years.

Scientists ask: Where have all the dolphins gone?

Compared to the comparable period in 2004 and 2005, dolphin sightings in 2007
have decreased by 50 percent.

Maybe they are leaving. I mean, c'mon, if you had a chance wouldn't you?

Flash! - A-Ah - He'll Save Everyone Of Us!!!

Flasher surprises reporter

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fantastic.

The Wire

For years I've heard people say HBO's The Wire is an excellent show.

For years I've passed on watching. Not sure why, but a couple weeks ago I bought the first season DVDs.

I'm now starting on the third season and frantically searching for a date the fourth season will be available.

This show is awesome. All you Wire fans out there, you have another convert.

This almost makes me forgive HBO for cancelling John From Cincinnati. Almost.

But for now, all hail Bunk, my new favorite fictional cop.

Waste Time In Space

You want to cruise through the known universe on your computer?

Then get Celestia. Don't worry, it's free.

Pardon my french, but this program is friggin' awesome.

It's a 3D tour to any spacecraft, asteroid, comet, moon, planet, star and galaxy that we know about. And you can get there in warp speed. And waste a lot of time when I ... uh.. YOU, should be working!

Not That I Was Thinking That Much About It, But...

Seniors having more sex than you think

But I already knew that.


*looks over Grannybangers DVD*

So Baby, What Do You Say Me and You...

Where Do You See Yourself In 5 Years?

Door Close!

Door Close!
Door Close!
Door Close!
Door Close!
Door Close!
Door Close!
Door Close!
Door Close!
*door closes right in their face*

AH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Boobs On Patrol

DEERPARK, N.Y. — A New York town was left without any police on
duty after several off-duty officers went to a Sussex County Hooters and the one
officer assigned to work didn't show up.

Deerpark Police Chief Bill Werner tells the Middletown Times
Herald-Record that the outing in Franklin, N.J., last Thursday was intended to
build camaraderie.

He says two officers were scheduled to work that night, but one
couldn't because of a suspension. The town's supervisor says the other officer
didn't feel comfortable working the night shift alone.

That left a single state trooper on call to cover the town.

Town council members say the lack of police coverage is troubling and
they plan to investigate the matter.

The chief says the safety of the town wasn't compromised as a result of
the Hooters trip.

To build camaraderie... in my pants!

Frozen Smoke

Scientists hail ‘frozen smoke’ as material that will change world

Well then let's have it already! I want a smoke pillow.

Nuke It, Smack It, Lean On It

A recent study showed that the U.S. and China are the nations most vulnerable to a devastating meteorite strike. With funding uncertain, astronomers are struggling to contain the threat of a civilization-ending galactic visitor.

How many people are watching?

About a dozen.

Great.

So? I Play Bocce Balls With Grenades

Students played 'frisbee' with land mine

Two Swiss students on holiday played frisbee with an object they found on a
beach unaware it was a live land mine.

Lukas Aider, 20, and Christoph Kurz, 19, took a plunge in the Danube
river in Budapest when they found the mine and began their potentially lethal
game.

A lifeguard watching stopped them and immediately called the
police.

A bomb squad then arrived to make safe what turned out to be an old
Soviet 6 kilogrammes anti-tank mine.

Punch Up Your Image

BELGRADE, Serbia (AP) - A Serbian village is hoping to channel some of
Rocky Balboa's fighting spirit with a 10-foot-tall statue of the fictional boxer
portrayed by Sylvester Stallone.

Zitiste, a village about 35 miles north of Belgrade that has been beset
in recent years by flooding and landslides, unveiled the statue in the village
square late Saturday.

The monument, unveiled as part of a music festival, is made of bronze
and concrete. It was created by Croatian artist Boris Staparac.

Zitiste has repeatedly suffered flooding and landslides, gaining a
disaster-prone reputation. Fed up, the locals contemplated how to change that
image and revive the village - one of the poorest in northern Serbia - and came
up with the idea of a statue of the tenacious fictional fighter.
"Our idea
has really stirred the public," said local official Zoran Kasalovic. "Now, no
one in Serbia can say they don't know about Zitiste."

Stallone, 61, portrayed Balboa in six movies, starting with "Rocky" in 1976

Ok, a fake boxer might change your village's image. But what's with the chickens? Get rid of the chickens. Get some dobermans. Or a bear-holding-a-shark. That's deadly. That says, "Don't come here and try to steal my dirt, or I'll sick my bear-holding-a-shark on you!

Another Chinese Recall

If you have a China Airlines Boeing 737-800, please return it as it you may experience some slight turbulence and then explode.

I Needed To Go Away

Star Jones: 'I needed to go away for a bit'

Oops. I see an error. Allow me to edit.

Star Jones: 'I needed to go away forever'.

Other people that need to go away forever:

And anyone reading PEOPLE, US, OK, and all the other tabloid rags.

IT'S YOUR FAULT.

Dress Like A Sea Dog

It's too bad my Irish ancestors were prone to whiskey or surrendering to one viking ship to have ever gotten into pirating. (With the exception of the lovely Grace O'Malley, of course)

But I'll give it to the English. They had it down good. I would love to attend a gathering of this sort, and splice the mainbrace with fellow pirate kin, even if it was just speculation.

With all that pillaging and looting, it could be one of the bloodiest reunions in history when descendants of six of Britain's famous pirates are invited to a get-together.

Be sure to read the 10 pirate facts.

Remember - next month, September 19th, is Talk Like A Pirate Day!

And I thought Pirates Of The Carribbean: At World's End was much better than the second movie.

So that's all the pirate news I have today.

I'm Sorry We Ate Your Great Grandfather

The descendants of cannibals in Papua New Guinea, who killed and ate four Fijian missionaries in 1878, have said sorry for their forefathers' actions.

They offered a boutique of rare jungle orchids and shrunken heads as reparations.

PNG's Governor-General Sir Paulias Matane praised the early missionaries
for making the country Christian - and called for more people to follow its
guiding principles.

"I wish many people could follow the 10 commandments, but they still
steal today and commit adultery," he said.

"There is a big increase in HIV/Aids cases in the country because of
adultery, despite knowing it's wrong."

It good to see their christian ignorance is still holding fast. Excuse me, Governor-General, but HIV & Aids is caused by unprotected sex, not adultery. Morons.

I Knew That Lincoln Was Two Faced!

Artists, sculptors and photographers knew Abraham Lincoln's face had a good side. Now it's confirmed by science.

Hey You! In The "Bikini Patrol" T-Shirt!

Are ya really?

A Review Of My Blog

"He offered wonderful subtleties, fluid passagework, clear attack and rhapsodic expressivity."

—The New York Times





... or maybe that was some pianist in concert. Either way, you can see how they could work either way. Right?

So Long John.

Well, there goes another original, smart, intriguing, different, well acted and superior show that stands above all the other crap on TV.

Nice going HBO. Morons.

The only thing you can do to redeem yourself a little bit is to campaign Ed O'Neil for a well deserved Emmy.

I can't believe you are cancelling this.

So, enjoy Johnny Appleseed, by Joe Strummer and The Mescaleros.

Chinese Toy Recall

Check your toy chest. Look under the bed. Scan the yard. If you have any of the following Chinese toys, dispose of them properly. They could be dangerous for young children.

*Slaps Forehead*

Two Noses Better Than One?

It is if you are a Double-Nosed Andean tiger hound.

Very rare.

Of course spotted by an English explorer. I like that the English are still exploring. American's idea of exploring is driving out west to find the Corn Palace or giant ball of twine. Ehh.

Explorer Colonel John Blashford-Snell has had close encounters with vampire bats and angry bees, but his latest brush has been with a rather odd dog.

That's Why They're Called Business Socks

When Will You Hayseeds Learn?

Two months ago:



Yesterday:




You make the NASCAR crowd look like geniuses.

You Think It's Been Hot?

Temperature records will be repeatedly shattered over the next few years, say researchers behind the first rigorous look at how global climate will change during the next decade.

Have a nice day!