Friday, December 28, 2007

See You In '08

We All Make Mistakes

I feel for this guy. Oh man, do I feel bad for this guy.

In case you missed it, this guy, Chris Jesse, tried to touch a live ball during the Texas-Sun Devils Holiday Bowl last night. He just reached out to grab it. It didn't look like he touched it, but the Longhorns were penalized anyway. Lucky for him, they won, so no real harm done. Except that he is the coach's stepson and the camera kept showing the guy throughout the game.

Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Poor guy. I feel for him because I've been in that situation. We all have. But on national television? I give the guy props for staying on the sidelines. I probably would have insisted one of the linebackers shove me in a locker and turn the lights out.

True story: I use to work the door at my college's basketball games. One time, during a woman's game, I was in the corner of the gym bouncing a tennis ball against the wall. Well, that ball got away from me and rolled onto the court while the girls were underneath the basket fighting for a rebound. The tennis ball rolled under their feet, a twisted ankle waiting to happen.

Unfortunately that ball exploded, killing three girls and maiming two for life.

Now THAT was embarrassing. But at least it wasn't on TV!

But keep your chin-up Jesse, we've all been there.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Grandma's Underwear

The New York Post recently printed a movie review of 'The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep'.

Film critic Kyle Smith wrote this synopsis about the movie:

"by trying to be charmingly old-fashioned, it overshoots the mark and winds up being as musty as grandma's lingerie drawer. The average 12-year-old will find it slow and predictable. "

As musty as grandma's lingerie drawer.
"DUDE... this movie moves like grandma's panties!"

How the hell would ANYONE know what grandma's lingerie drawer smells like?

And grandma's don't wear lingerie. By the time they're grandmas (excluding the Spears family), they're usually just wearing undergarments, or pieces of strategically placed cloth and string that prevents embarrassing Easter morning breakfasts.

And dude, it's a kid movie.

Witch Doctor Sholl's Shoe Curses

A federal judge Thursday unsealed a handwritten incantation that Bonanno crime boss Vincent (Vinny Gorgeous) Basciano stashed in his shoe to put a curse on prosecutors, FBI agents and mob turncoats during his 2006 racketeering trial.

The spell goes: "Before the house of the judge, three dead men look out the
window, one having no tongue, the other no lungs, and the third was sick, blind
and dumb."

The third was sick? Well, which is it? Dead or sick? No wonder these guys always get caught.

I Have Very Hairy Palms

But it's not what you think. Perv.

I just wash constantly with Rogaine.

Why I Cannot Get Involved In Politics

I prefer to kiss hands and shake babies.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Merry Xmas

And remember, Christmas is a pagan holiday. The feast of Isis. Winter Solstice. The Romans called it Saturnalia.

It wasn't until the year 350 that Pope Julius declared it would be a birthday for some guy named jesus who didn't even exist, only to make the transition into Christianity easier for the majority of Roman pagans. You can take away the name, but not the partying.

I wonder how many of the god worshipers know that.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Meet My Teddy Bear

His name is Muhammad. And he's gay. And he's christian. And he loves women. And he's got a tattoo on his ass that says THE WEST IS THE BEST.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Video Games Are Dangerous For Children

The Mystery Of Americas Map

The only surviving copy of the 500-year-old map that first used the name
America goes on permanent display this month at the Library of Congress, but
even as it prepares for its debut, the 1507 Waldseemuller map remains a puzzle
for researchers.

The only surviving copy of the 500-year-old map that first used the name
America goes on permanent display this month at the Library of Congress, but
even as it prepares for its debut, the 1507 Waldseemuller map remains a puzzle
for researchers.

Sounds familar.

The Antikythera Mechanism post included the Piri Reis Map, which mapped Antarctica before it was covered in ice.

There are many scientists that believe there was a great culture that inhabited
the Earth up to 12 thousand years ago. These people traveled the earth almost as
easily as we do today (albeit no airplanes). There are many names for this race
of people, more commonly referred to Atlantians. Not the fable of a continent
consumed by the ocean, but of an actual race of people who were master
explorers, navigators and astronomers. But a planetary catastrophe ended their
culture and scattered the survivors. But traces of their shared heritage can be
found throughout the world.

Maps copied down throughout the centuries. It could be that simple.

Monday, December 03, 2007

"So a polock and a midget get caught in a thunderstorm..."

I saw this piece on the news this weekend and couldn't help but laugh. First of all, it's insulting to all humans in general that this video was ever made. You really have to believe that your workers are total idiots to think they have to watch this video to learn something.

But there was something much more disturbing to me in the video, which you can watch some of it here:

Can I sue to get the punchline to "So a polock and a midget get caught in a thunderstorm...", because I want to know! I bet it's hilarious.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Journeyman Is The Best New TV Show Of The Season

And I'm afraid NBC isn't backing this show.
You've got a great lineup on Monday nights - Chuck, Heroes and Journeyman. It keeps me in!
So don't blow it.

Eat Shit Grandma!

Grandmother saved by daughter's poo.

A grandmother who contracted a potentially fatal superbug in Scotland has been saved after a hospital fed her daughter’s faeces to her.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Do I Make You Horny?

Wang The Human Unicorn

Ma Zhong Nan

Underground Italian Temples

Mama Mia!

Nestling in the foothills of the Alps in northern Italy, 30 miles from the
ancient city of Turin, lies the valley of Valchiusella. Peppered with medieval
villages, the hillside scenery is certainly picturesque.

Here, 100ft
down and hidden from public view, lies an astonishing secret - one that has
drawn comparisons with the fabled city of Atlantis and has been dubbed 'the
Eighth Wonder of the World' by the Italian government.

For weaving their
way underneath the hillside are nine ornate temples, on five levels, whose scale
and opulence take the breath away.

Friday, November 16, 2007

A Toad Licking Good Time

First of all, you don't lick the toad. That won't work. You massage it's back and it's excretion will come out it's pores. Get that on a piece of glass and let it dry. Then smoke it.
What you are smoking is DMT. DMT is produced by our brains. It's what makes us dream. It's natural and non-addictive. It'll create a short experience of dreaming while your awake. You'll see and feel things that are out of this dimension and then return to your normal state as if waking up. Because you body automatically maintains its levels.
But you can't get in anywhere.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna pick up a pack of smokes and a fifth of whiskey and pollute myself but I'll look into expanding my mind in a deprivation tank sometime soon and break out of this cookie cutter society you are all slaves too. Find some answers. What are you worried about? Taxes? What your neighbor does? It doesn't matter. We're all objects in space. You ego protects you. You strip it down, and you might not like what you see, but at least it is the truth.
Break free.

Comet Empire

Comet Holmes (left) from the 3.6-meter Canada-France-Hawaii telescope on Mauna Kea showing the coma at 869,900 miles (1.4 million kilometers) in diameter. The white ''star'' near the center of the coma is in fact the dust-shrouded nucleus of the comet.The sun and the planet Saturn are shown at the same scale for comparison. Credit: University of Hawaii/CFHT (comet); NASA/Voyager (Saturn); NASA/ESA/SOHO (sun)
Still visible on clear night. Look northwest towards the constellation Cassiopeia, the one that looks like a "W".

In Through The Out Door


Woman Finds Boyfriend Dead In Cat Door


A near-intact shipwreck apparently dating from the 17th century has been found in the Baltic Sea, Swedish television has said.

Eat it Titanic. This one went down perfectly.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Friday, October 19, 2007

Handle my affairs,
I will never know,
Bury all the bills,
Leave for Mexico.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Fun With Google!

Google's Dirty Secrets - The funniest videos are a click away

Blackbeard's Cannon

He is my favorite bad-ass pirate. The guy carried 8 revolvers and lit fuses in his beard... C'MON! You can't get much more frightening than that.

One of his cannons has been recovered.

Blackbeard's cannon surfaces

I Am Innocent...

'I am innocent and some day evidence will be found to prove it'.

That was written by Dr. Hawley Crippen in 1910, two weeks before he was hanged for the murder of his wife, Cora.

My poor Doctor, your day has come.

It seems the missing Cora ran away, back to America. Didn't peep up when her husband was arrested though. Sometimes, justice is a bitch. I wonder how many other people hung innocent from the gallows. Hangman, hold it a little while, I think I see my DNA comin', ridin' many a mile.

Hawley Crippen was an American doctor who moved to England in 1900 with his wife, Cora Turner. When Cora disappeared in 1910, Crippen said she had returned to the US, and later said that she had died in California. After his lover, Ethel le Neve, moved into the couple's home in Holloway, London, Cora's friends alerted the police, but a search revealed nothing. Crippen and Le Neve fled to Belgium before embarking on the SS Montrose to Canada. They were disguised as father and son, but the ship's captain became suspicious and alerted police using the newly invented wireless telegraph. Crippen was convicted and hanged at Pentonville Prison. He protested his innocence to the end.

Snapple Busted!

Well hold your horses Snapple lady!

The device scanned a 240-million pixel image using 13 light spectrums,
including ultra-violet and infrared.

The resulting ultra-high resolution photograph of 150,000 dots per inch
yielded a reproduction of the "Mona Lisa's" face magnified 24 times. And there
Cotte found the evidence he sought -- a single brushstroke of a single hair
above the left brow.
All that for one eyelash? What the pluck?!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Baby Dinosaurs On The Ark!

We estimate its height at "Friggin' Huge".

I bet you've been wondering about the Puertasaurus I told you about last year.

Well, they found its bigger, badder buddy.

The best part of this story? Read the responses below on the CBS website.
Someone actually writes this:
Dinosaurs are indeed mentioned in the Bible, but obviously the word "DINOSAUR" isn't used because the word didn't exist during Biblical times! The Bible describes the Behemoth and Leviathan in the book of Job, and also the word "tannin" the Hebrew word for dragon is used over 20 times in the Old Testament.Dinosaurs are Creations of God just like all other animals are. They just don''t exist, the larger ones that is, anymore, although there have been reports of teradactyls in New Guinea.Secular "science" doesn't want you to know about this though, because God forbid the Bible is True, we can''t have that now...right?
Although they may be simple, uneducated folk who whip themselves after staring at their sister for too long, I have to admire their ignorance, for it must be bliss in their world. Just birds chirpin' and angels singing until they get caught in an embezzlement or sex sting.
Instead of deporting illegal immigrants, can we deport people who believe that dinosaur and man walked together? If we get rid of those yahoos first the American people will be on their way to a more educated American pride and cleaner bathrooms.
New Guinea Teradactyls. That's the name of my band. 'SUP.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Dwarf Manatee

The Manatee, already in danger around Florida, has a new found cousin in the Amazon.

Method Writer

A man has been arrested in Mexico on suspicion of murdering and dismembering his girlfriend and eating parts of her. Police sent to the home of Jose Luis Calva say they discovered a woman's torso in a cupboard, leg in the fridge and bones in a cereal carton.
They are also reported to have discovered the draft of an unfinished novel, titled Cannibal Instincts.

Cannibal Insticts, #1 on my Amazon wishlist.

Klee Was Here

'Oldest' wall painting looks like modern art

"It looks like a modernist painting," said Eric Coqueugniot, the team leader. "Some of those who saw it have likened it to work by (Paul) Klee. Through carbon dating we established it is from around 9,000 BC."

Ok, here is a painting by Paul Klee:

Well, that settles it. Two things could be learned from this story:

One, Paul Klee is a time traveler.

Or Two, "modern" art and caveman art really aren't that different so people pay big bucks for crap. I'd rather have the caveman art or a piece by Kilroy.

Greetings From Hell!

Is this Pope John Paul II waving from beyond the grave? Vatican TV director says yes

I think I'll say hello to my followers on Earth. How about a fire demon greeting? Haven't heard of one those since Moses was trippin' balls in the desert.

The Pope! The Pope! The Pope is on fire! We don't need no water let the kid toucher cover-upper burn! Burn baby burn!

There is a large percent of humans that are idiots. Personally, I see Courageous Cat and I know that fucker is burning in hell for sodomizing Minute Mouse.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Trombone Tart

Swedish policeman fined for trying to solicit a savoury tart in return for finding missing trombone

No reason, I just love that headline.

Today's Snapple Fact

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.


The Ghost Molester

I just found a new excuse so I don't have to come from around the bar and toss someone out because a girl complained. It was the ghost, darlin'. He gets a little touchy-feely after your second red headed slut shot. He would behave if you would just do a real shot. Whiskey or burbon.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Right Brain Vs. Left Brain

THE Right Brain vs Left Brain test ... do you see the dancer turning clockwise or counter-clockwise?

If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa.

Most of us would see the dancer turning counter-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies

uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
risk taking

This is wild. When I first look at her, she's moving clockwise (right brained), but then she's moving back and forth between counter-clockwise and clockwise. In fact, with a sweeping movement with my eyes, I can see her move her leg back and forth without her ever turning around.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A Now In Sports...

The Phillies Stink.

The Yankees Stink.

Go Sox.

Just Like Red Six

I told you about the X-Wing Fighter to launch on October 10th.

Looks like they moved up the date.

And yes, it ended up like Red Six.

But check out the video for about 3 seconds of coolness.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I Did Not Know That

Bill Laimbeer from the Detroit Pistons played a Sleestak on an episode of Land Of The Lost.

Answering Your Letters

Anne Altman writes,

they say they found evidence of another earth in the making.
can we go there?
please research, nerd.
thank you.

Dear Anne,
Thank you for your inquisitive question!!

Why yes, they do say they found evidence of another earth in the making.

The dust belt, which they suspect is clumping together into planets, is
located in the middle of the system's terrestrial habitable zone. This is the
region around a star where liquid water could exist on any rocky planets that
might form. Earth is located in the middle of our sun's terrestrial habitable

At approximately 10 million years old, the star is also at just the right age
for forming rocky planets.

So to answer your question Anne, no, we can't go there yet! But let's check back in about 14 million years. Then you'll have your answer!

Thanks for asking!



Sputnik - 50 Years Ago Today

Look at that boy's heed! It's like Sputnik!

Sputnik launched Soviets, U.S. into Space Race

Then, 50 years ago today, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1. It
achieved an orbit around the Earth, circling the globe every 96 minutes. The shiny sphere, just under 2 feet in diameter with four antennae, could be seen passing overhead like a moving star at night. Its radio beeps could be heard on ham radios all over the earth. It orbited the earth 1,440 times before burning up in Earth's atmosphere in early 1958.

The world had its first artificial moon. And just like that,
the world changed.

The article is written for The Asbury Park Press by Mike Black, a science teacher from New Jersey, and occasional call-in guest (as Mike The Teacher) on the Ron & Fez Show, who I had the pleasure to meet once. A great guy. Very smart and I always like when he schools listeners who don't know sputnik about Sputnik and all things science, in which our country is sorely lacking behind these days. Too many people are worried about gay marriage, abortion, religion and countless other nonsense that stops any development and advancement of the human race.

As Mike writes...

It remains to be seen what the next 50 years will bring, what the
world will be like in 2057 when the Space Age is a century old. Things seem uncertain at best. The momentum of our triumphs has been slowed by bureaucratic inertia and lack of funding. Will we one day return to the moon? Will humans have a society on Mars? Will we be traveling the stars for real, or again, with just our imaginations?

What about today? Are we a science-literate nation? Are science
and an understanding of technology high priorities in politics, in education and our culture?

Fifty years ago, we were comfortable in the knowledge of our
dominance over other countries, sure that our nation was a scientifically literate one. Space exploration was not seen as a high-priority national pursuit, certainly not something to waste tax dollars over. Sputnik changed all of that and more overnight in 1957. Do we need another wake-up call?

Damn right we need a wake up call. At this point, China will beat us back to the moon. But we shouldn't be racing against each other, we should be working with each other. Just not with those deadly Chinese toys.

Of course, back then, Russia fell by the wayside when it came to reaching the moon. But they had good reason, after all, Aliens forced Americans out from the Moon (Pravada story, have a laugh).

The Lost Tribe Of Peru

Good to know they're still out there. Along with the tribes in Sumatra and The Amazon, which have had little or no contact with anyone, it's amazing that you could still live on this planet as we did for thousands of years. But would you want to?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Stone Head Mystery Explained

By the way, the man, Billy Johnson, is not pictured. That would be another mystery.
Liz White, a director of the Art House, an organisation the sculptor is
connected to, said: "He says that he wants people to do what they want with
them, take them in, leave them there, give them away, whatever they want to do
with them."

She said he told her 57 heads had been left across the north of England:
"They're gifts for the people who find them, part of an on-going art project and
not a publicity stunt."
That's kinda cool. I wish someone would leave a stone head on my doorstep someday. Or a suitcase full of money. Or a woman. A live one preferably. Thank you.

X-Wing Fighter To Take Flight On October 10th

Rocket Powered 21-Foot Long X-Wing Model Actually Flies

It even has R2D2.

Andy Woerner and his crazy rocketeer friends have built a 21-foot long X-Wing
model that can actually fly. Yes, this is a real X-Wing powered by four
solid-fuel rocket engines complete with radio-controlled moving wings. It blasts
off in California next week, and we talked with Andy about the project, and how
they expect it will do. All the details and a full construction gallery after
the jump.

The X-Wing model is huge. At 21 feet long and with a wingspan of over 19 feet
it is, in fact, big enough to fly a kid in. However, knowing that it will be
powered by solid-fuel rockets, they wouldn't put a kid, dog, monkey or Gizmodo
editor inside, even if it uses three full parachutes to land.

Yea, they're cool. I'd love to hang with them on a Friday night.

Anyway, I can't wait to see the video.

Will it fly? Or will it end up like Red Six?