Friday, December 28, 2007

See You In '08

We All Make Mistakes

I feel for this guy. Oh man, do I feel bad for this guy.

In case you missed it, this guy, Chris Jesse, tried to touch a live ball during the Texas-Sun Devils Holiday Bowl last night. He just reached out to grab it. It didn't look like he touched it, but the Longhorns were penalized anyway. Lucky for him, they won, so no real harm done. Except that he is the coach's stepson and the camera kept showing the guy throughout the game.

Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Poor guy. I feel for him because I've been in that situation. We all have. But on national television? I give the guy props for staying on the sidelines. I probably would have insisted one of the linebackers shove me in a locker and turn the lights out.

True story: I use to work the door at my college's basketball games. One time, during a woman's game, I was in the corner of the gym bouncing a tennis ball against the wall. Well, that ball got away from me and rolled onto the court while the girls were underneath the basket fighting for a rebound. The tennis ball rolled under their feet, a twisted ankle waiting to happen.

Unfortunately that ball exploded, killing three girls and maiming two for life.

Now THAT was embarrassing. But at least it wasn't on TV!

But keep your chin-up Jesse, we've all been there.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Grandma's Underwear

The New York Post recently printed a movie review of 'The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep'.

Film critic Kyle Smith wrote this synopsis about the movie:

"by trying to be charmingly old-fashioned, it overshoots the mark and winds up being as musty as grandma's lingerie drawer. The average 12-year-old will find it slow and predictable. "

As musty as grandma's lingerie drawer.
"DUDE... this movie moves like grandma's panties!"

How the hell would ANYONE know what grandma's lingerie drawer smells like?

And grandma's don't wear lingerie. By the time they're grandmas (excluding the Spears family), they're usually just wearing undergarments, or pieces of strategically placed cloth and string that prevents embarrassing Easter morning breakfasts.

And dude, it's a kid movie.

Witch Doctor Sholl's Shoe Curses

A federal judge Thursday unsealed a handwritten incantation that Bonanno crime boss Vincent (Vinny Gorgeous) Basciano stashed in his shoe to put a curse on prosecutors, FBI agents and mob turncoats during his 2006 racketeering trial.

The spell goes: "Before the house of the judge, three dead men look out the
window, one having no tongue, the other no lungs, and the third was sick, blind
and dumb."

The third was sick? Well, which is it? Dead or sick? No wonder these guys always get caught.

I Have Very Hairy Palms

But it's not what you think. Perv.

I just wash constantly with Rogaine.

Why I Cannot Get Involved In Politics

I prefer to kiss hands and shake babies.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Merry Xmas

And remember, Christmas is a pagan holiday. The feast of Isis. Winter Solstice. The Romans called it Saturnalia.

It wasn't until the year 350 that Pope Julius declared it would be a birthday for some guy named jesus who didn't even exist, only to make the transition into Christianity easier for the majority of Roman pagans. You can take away the name, but not the partying.

I wonder how many of the god worshipers know that.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Meet My Teddy Bear

His name is Muhammad. And he's gay. And he's christian. And he loves women. And he's got a tattoo on his ass that says THE WEST IS THE BEST.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Video Games Are Dangerous For Children

The Mystery Of Americas Map

The only surviving copy of the 500-year-old map that first used the name
America goes on permanent display this month at the Library of Congress, but
even as it prepares for its debut, the 1507 Waldseemuller map remains a puzzle
for researchers.

The only surviving copy of the 500-year-old map that first used the name
America goes on permanent display this month at the Library of Congress, but
even as it prepares for its debut, the 1507 Waldseemuller map remains a puzzle
for researchers.

Sounds familar.

The Antikythera Mechanism post included the Piri Reis Map, which mapped Antarctica before it was covered in ice.

There are many scientists that believe there was a great culture that inhabited
the Earth up to 12 thousand years ago. These people traveled the earth almost as
easily as we do today (albeit no airplanes). There are many names for this race
of people, more commonly referred to Atlantians. Not the fable of a continent
consumed by the ocean, but of an actual race of people who were master
explorers, navigators and astronomers. But a planetary catastrophe ended their
culture and scattered the survivors. But traces of their shared heritage can be
found throughout the world.

Maps copied down throughout the centuries. It could be that simple.

Monday, December 03, 2007

"So a polock and a midget get caught in a thunderstorm..."

I saw this piece on the news this weekend and couldn't help but laugh. First of all, it's insulting to all humans in general that this video was ever made. You really have to believe that your workers are total idiots to think they have to watch this video to learn something.

But there was something much more disturbing to me in the video, which you can watch some of it here:

Can I sue to get the punchline to "So a polock and a midget get caught in a thunderstorm...", because I want to know! I bet it's hilarious.