Thursday, November 30, 2006

If It's Not Scottish, It's Crap!

Nessie is a better-known Scot than Robert Burns or Sean Connery, according to a survey.

I remember when that fleet of boats equipped with high tech sonar searched Loch Ness. I was so hoping to hear they found something.

Nothing. Crap.

Here is the list of top Scots:

1 Loch Ness Monster 29%
2 Robert Burns 27%
3 Sean Connery 12%
4 Robert the Bruce 9%
5 William Wallace 7.5%
6 Robbie Coltrane 6%
7 Billy Connolly 4%
8 Lorraine Kelly 2.5%
9 Ewan McGregor 2%
10 Lulu 1%

OK, I know 7 out of 10. Not bad for a non-Scotsman I think.

Now, I've heard of Robert Burns, but I'm not familiar with his work, so I can't say I know him.

Robbie Coltrane - great actor! Billy Connolly is hysterical.

But Lorraine Kelly? Lulu? Should I know these people?

The only Lulu I know of is Lulu Hogg, wife of Boss Hogg.

And what about this Scot? Love this guy!

Jumbo Joint

Marijuana advocate plans to roll world's biggest joint

Snack companies better get on this. The potential for a sponsorship here is too good to pass up.

Don't Answer The Door!

When I was growing up, we'd get the Jehovas Witnesses in our neighborhood, ringing our doorbells, knocking on our doors, trying to save our souls.

But little did they know - we had a system! My family and our neighbors worked as one! Whoever was unfortunate enough to get the idiots at their front door first, would immediately tell them to "Shoo!", then make the call to the next neighbor, who would in turn call the next neighbor, and so on.

Therefore every once in a while I'd hear, "Boys! Don't answer the door!"

As I got older, I relished in the moments when I would answer the door and get these simpletons with my confession that I worship the devil and do they have any spare children, my altar is looking barren.

Last year, I answered my door to find two well dressed, nice looking people who asked me if I was aware of Hurricane Katrina, only a couple weeks after the face.

Yea, I heard of it.

Well did you know it was foretold in the bible?

Oh for pete's sake or some other salty language I detested. But before I shooed them I asked "Jehova Witnesses?"

They looked at me like I just kicked their grandmother in the head.

"Good lord no, we're from the Church of Latter Day Saints!"

Mormons. Even crazier.

Suffice to say I got a kick out of their insult that I might mistake them for some other brainwashed folk, but what I subconsciously wanted to do, but I didn't know it until I watched this following video, was do what this brilliant bloke from Australia did.

John Safran, you are my new hero. I bet you could even wrestle a killer whale.

Australian filmmaker John Safran is so fed up with mormons ringing his doorbell early in the morning that he flies to Salt Lake City Utah and tries to convert Mormons to atheism. Needless to say, the locals were not pleased.

Hey, Why Do They Call You Killer?

Killer whale attacks Sea World trainer

"She has displayed unwanted behavior to some extent. ... There are times like this. They are killer whales. She did choose to demonstrate her feelings in a way that was unfortunate."

No shit, really?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

What's Short, Fat, Drunk And In A Family Movie?


The only thing that would have made this better?

If Danny puked on Elisabeth Hasselback.

Mystery Boat - Solved!

Earlier this month I posted a story about a Mystery Boat.

Here it is:

Alas, it was not the work of an evil, mad genius who has an secret underwater base.

New Concept of Ocean-Going Catamaran Is Being Tested

The article has some great pictures.

Well Said...

Old George Orwell got it backward. Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed... and this being fed, it's worse than being watched. With the world always filling you, no one has to worry about what's in your mind.

Chuck Palahniuk (from 'Lullaby')



Not this go-getter! No legs? No problem! I've got some smack, some blow and a car to go!

Legless driver in 80mph car chase

It Has Teats

Man shoots doe with rack of antlers

"It's got no male utilities," said Erickson, who lives in Minot. "It has teats ... it was pretty unusual."


Poor doe, just wanted to find a john down on 12th Ave.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

What's So Civil About War Anyway?

It's not a civil war?

I'm not up on brand names glasses, but I think I'm going to send some to The White House.

Hear are some other things that should be shipped to Pennsylvania Ave:

Compton Bay Cliff

A while ago I posted a story about a cow that fell off a cliff.

Well that same cliff threw off another poor soul, this time a 72 year old man.

But don't worry, he lived.

Compton Bay is developing an unfortunate reputation as a place where things fall from the cliffs on to the beach below. Last year a cow almost flattened a sunbather when it plunged 80ft from the field above. Now the cow has been joined by a car. No sunbathers were involved, but the driver of the car did manage to walk out of his vehicle almost unscathed.

Shadow Divers

Shadow Divers

Fantasitc book about deep sea wreck divers that found a German WWII U-Boat off the coast of New Jersey.

It's a story that has everything - mystery, love, loss, alcoholic sea captains, nazis and death. I can't say enough about it. Even better, Peter Weir, director of one of the best movies of the new century, Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World, is making a movie out of the story.

But get the book, it's full of interesting information that they probably won't cover in the movie in great detail. Like how they identify submarines.

I bring this up because two more German U-Boats have been found.

Two submarine wrecks, believed to be uncharted WWI German U-boats, have been discovered by chance off Orkney.

Cow Bounce

Just a short while ago I reported on some new cattle mutilations.

Well here is an excellent article with pictures.

Why and how it happened? The jury is still out, but the pictures show what all cattle mutilations report - percision cuts. This was no animal attack. This was no boating accident.

WARNING: These pictures are graphic - if you don't think you'll like seeing carved up cattle, then don't look.

Scientific Data Supports Theory That Mutilated Montana CowDropped from Sky and Bounced

Tatonka Toast

The rare white buffalo is a prophecy that represents a rebirth for humanity according to Native American legend.

There is a farm in Wisconsin that is taking the "rare" out of that myth, for three white buffalo have been born there.

The first one, Miracle, died in 2004 at the age of 10. A second one had been born in 1996 but died after three days.

But behold! A third white buffalo was born in August! Oh here comes humanity's redemption!!

Except it was stuck by lightning and killed last Sunday.

Ahh nature. Can be quite the bitch, huh?

Monday, November 27, 2006

Let's Get The Flock Out Of Here!

Turkeys try for fast train out of Jersey

That picture is my new favorite picture.

I hope those turkeys are now sunning themselves on a beach in The Keys.

More Big Kitty!

Big Cat Story 1

Big Cat Story 2

And now, Police warn of 'big cat' in hills.

Will someone get this kitty already!! I'm dying to know what kind it is.

If anything, I hope eat eats terriers. Mean, little terriers.

Don't Drink And Skate

There are a lot of large animals getting wasted in Sweden these days.

Like I reported here, Drunk Elk terrorizes kids.

Now, a Drunk Moose.

Poor guy. Lay off those fermentend apples folks! (Where can I get some?)

Have You Seen Vivi?

Show dog disappearance creates urban legend

I remember when Vivi escaped. I had been to the dog show the day before. It was my first time at a show. Never owning a dog, I found it strange so many people fawning over dogs - some were really strange, but I guess that stands for anything that people can be fans of.

My favorite part was going backstage and seeing, and petting the dogs. They let you do that! You meet the owners and the dogs and they're all friendly.

Not like that little shit terrier that bit me on the inner thigh as I was trying to deliver the paper when I was, like, 9 or something. I cried. Damn I was such a little baby, because I don't think the bite even hurt that much. I was more scared because that dog came out of nowhere and I can still see it's little teeth heading for my crotch.

That was close, no guy needs two circumcisions.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Yes Kansas City, There Is A Santa Claus

For 26 years, a man known only as Secret Santa has roamed the streets every December quietly giving people money. He started with $5 and $10 bills. As his fortune grew, so did the gifts. In recent years, Secret Santa has been handing out $100 bills, sometimes two or three at a time, to people in thrift stores, diners and parking lots. So far, he's anonymously given out about $1.3 million. It's been a long-held holiday mystery: Who is Secret Santa?

Secret Santa reveals his identity

What a great guy. Wish there were more people like him.

But, unfortunately his story puts a dent in the notion of karma. He's got cancer. Let's hope for a full recovery because people like him do not deserve that.

Mexican archeologists say they have found signs that the tomb of an Aztec emperor could lie beneath a recently excavated stone monolith showing a fearsome, blood-drinking god.

In NYC, buildings are torn down and old advertisements are found. Occasionally a graveyard.

In Mexico City, they find blood-drinking gods. So much cooler.

What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?

Ta-Dahhh!! 'ere it is 'Arry!

The 6ft (1.8m) stone shows a mounted soldier holding a sword and the severed head of a barbarian he had killed.
Now I know how tall I am in meters. AND... that is one badass tombstone!
Can anyone else deserve one showing such power?
Except O.J.?

Never Bring A Plunger To A Sword Fight

Plunger v sword fight ends badly

I can't claim credit to that nifty title. It's in the article. Well done! See? Brits are funny, that's why we keep taking their TV shows.

That'll Do Little Pig

Here I am. Whatever.

I just like this picture. The pig is just sitting there with this "What do you want from me? I'm extinct!" attitude.

An extinct pig which was indigenous to Shetland has been seen for the first time in more than 100 years.

Iceberg! Straight Ahead!

An iceberg has been spotted from the New Zealand shore for the first time in 75 years.

I'm suprised we haven't seen icebergs around here, off the coast of New York. The water is freezing enough, but I'm guessing the currents wouldn't allow them to get this far south and keeps them farther up north.

Oy Vey That Stings!

Israel developing anti-militant "bionic hornet"

That's the buzz and it's not very kosher.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream "Fore!"

The golf shot hit 'round the universe

A golf ball whacked from the space station.

Fun stunt, but if that thing travels around the earth and crashes through the window, well that would be cosmic irony, wouldn't it?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Dear Anna Faris,

I love you.

The Ditz Ghetto

The Ultimate Psycho Fan Website But Does Have Nice Pictures

Air Guitar T-Shirt!

I admit it. I air guitar. I can't help it! It just happens. Sometimes I stop myself. Sometimes.

If I had this shirt, I'd be the most annoying person you'd know.

Australian scientists have created a T-shirt that allows air guitarists to play real music - without resorting to a real guitar.

Quit Yer Witchin'!

Helen Duncan, whose 20th-century prosecution and imprisonment under The Witchcraft Act of 1737 caused a sensation in wartime Britain, and led to a campaign to clear her name, has not been pardoned.

She was charged with “pretending to raise the spirits of the dead”.

So that means anyone with a Ouija Board should be arrested?!

Just let them witch! They're more peaceful than all the other mainstream religions.

Except for the cauldrons full of bat wings and eye of newt. Yech.


Voodoo practitioner tries to jinx Bush

I think someone beat you to it.

He was jinxed about 6 years ago, right after he took office.

My Daughter's Neandertal Boyfriend!

Stone Age Twins Discovered Buried Under Mammoth's Shoulder Blade

Researchers have unearthed the graves of three Stone Age infants that may ultimately bear on the question of whether humans interbred with Neandertals.

I see more and more of this interbreeding question popping up. I predict, as I have before, that this will be considered true and then people will start accusing other people of actual being real live neandertals. Hey, I have nothing against neandertals. In fact, I hope they bring back the 'ol "club the woman and drag back to the cave" move. Because that's easier than pretending to care what they're saying and buying new clothes.

Apophis Now

A smallish asteroid called Apophis has already been identified as a possible threat to Earth in 2036.

Just yesterday I posted about the asteroid threat.

It's real folks - but there is a plan. However, can they take Steve Buschemi? He was great comical relief.

"It's not a case of if we will be hit, it is a question of when. Each of us is 750 times more likely to be killed by an asteroid than to win this weekend's lottery."

Well then they should sell Asteroid tickets. Place you bet where the next on lands. Make it a one in 7 chance - place a bet on each continent. Or maybe one of the 7 seas.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

To All Those Who Are Waiting In Line For Their Sony Playstation 3


Oh, you're going to sell it on E-Bay? There's gonna be so many available on E-Bay, you'll have to reduce your price. You'll make a small profit for waiting in line - some of you darlings for days.

But... if you're buying it now because you want to play, what - 3 available new games? - well then that is different.

You're a bigger loser.

In Mother Russia, Moose Shoots You!

Canada detains alleged Russian spy

Oh Russia, what have you become that you have to spy on Canada?

What industrial secrets does Canada have? It must be the recipe to Labatt's Beer, because that is damn good beer.

The Da Vinci Code

Never read the book.

But I did watch the movie last night.

Not bad! And one thousand times more believable than the shit the church shovels at you when you're in school. Catholic school, that is. You can imagine my disdain.

Yes, the book is fiction as is the movie.

But they did get one thing right - Jesus was a mortal man one day, a god the next. That's history folks.

Leonids Return!

On Sunday, Nov. 19th, Earth will pass through a stream of debris from comet 55P/Tempel-Tuttle. The result: a shower of Leonid meteors.

These won't create any big craters like the map below, but still worth a look.

Hope for clear skies.

Grab The Scuba Gear

All those circles on the map above are remnants of where asteroids have hit the earth over the years.

Just thought you should know.

Ancient Crash, Epic Wave

Deer Vs. Deer

Real deer destroys fake deer


Fake deer are stupid.

Lawn gnomes all the way!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

If I Did It.... Kidding, I Did!

Have you heard?

In what is shaping up to be another bizarre milestone in the murder case involving O.J. Simpson, Fox announced Tuesday that it plans to air a two-part interview with Simpson on November 27 and 29 (within the November sweeps) in which, according to the Fox news release, he "will tell how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes." The news release quoted Fox reality chief Mike Darnell as saying, "This is an interview that no one thought would ever happen. It's the definitive last chapter in the Trial of the Century." The person interviewing Simpson has not been identified. The interview is scheduled to air days before Fox's corporate sibling, Harper Collins, publishes Simpson's If I Did It, Here's How It Happened on November 30.

Please, please, please let there be a law either on the books or put on the books ASAP that as soon as that interview airs, O.J. gets arrested. Just take him away. No dancing Judge Itos, no dragged out, year- long case, no mayhem. He's just... gone... and not one news program mentions it. No story. He just's gone. Oh, that would be a perfect world.

Amazing that was over 10 years ago.

I still remember sitting in the conference room when the verdict was read. All of us, both black and white, were shocked and dismayed.

Why Would Anyone Want To Work For Naomi Campbell?

And why is she even a model?

Am I missing something?

Red Rain Falling Down

In July 2001, a mysterious red rain started falling over a large area of southern India.

I remember reading about this "red rain", and someone claiming it came from...

*cue thrilling music*

Outer Space!

But, it happened it India, where some villages still believe that bat boy is flying around biting people.

But now it's gaining some steam again.

I want to see a picture of what these DNA-less microbes look like, on my desk, first thing in the morning.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Land Ho! Update

Here is the blog of the Yacht Maiken, who witnessed the event.

They have some awesome pictures.

Unfortunately, short thereafter, the Hanso corporation took control of the island.


Drunk Elf?!

When I first saw this headline I thought it said "Drunken Elf Stakes Its Claim To Apple Tree" and instantly a story started in my head of this little surly elf, red hat with a bell on top, cigar in mouth, empty bottle of Keebler's Creek Whisky by its feet, hurling apples at children and people.

That would have been awesome.

Alas, upon closer inspections, it reads:

Drunken elk stakes its claim to apple tree

Ah. Elk! Not as colorful, but still amusing.

Aquaman's Feelings Are Surely Hurt

Dolphins sing 'Batman' theme

Teach them to whistle the theme to "Taxi" and I'll be impressed.

A Mysterious, No Doubt Delicious, Cut Of Beef

Cattle mutilations resurrect recurring mystery

Seriously. What the hell is up with cattle mutilations?!

They happen all over the world. Organs removed with precision. No blood! No footprints, or animal prints.

What's left of the carcass is never touch by predators. Whereas if it died naturally, predators would be all over it.

And the ranchers can't make too much of a fuss because... "A guy hates to say too much because I don't know how far you can go before they'll put you in the nuthouse."

It's happening. And there is nothing we can do about it?

Can't You Get It Through Your Thick Skull?!

Guess not.

A Brazilian woman shot six times in the head by her enraged ex-husband survived.

How I Will Die

NewBlue feels a cough. A sniffle. Ahhhh-choo.

NewBlue skips to the doctor.

Doctor: You're sick. You need these three drugs to get better.

Doctor scribbles prescription.

NewBlue walks to the pharmacy, waits in line for 20 minutes.

Pharmacist: Ah here we go. That'll be $5.000*

NewBlue: Whaaaaaaaaaat?

Pharmacist: Well your insurance information has expired and we have the wrong address for you and you didn't dot and "i" somewhere plus you just don't look that sick so straighten this shit out, or pay the 5 grand and the hemorrhoid cream in on isle 3.

NewBlue walks home, picks up the phone and calls the prescription people to get the information but the information is out of date and has to call the insurance people to bring it up to date so he calls the insurance people and the insurance people say you have to contact your human resources in order for them to update your information and address change and they'll pass it on to the insurance people and the prescription people who will get you those shiny id cards in order to get your medicine and a reasonable price oh but first you have to fill out a change of address form and send it to this person then you have to enroll in the benefits with this form that goes to this other person all the while that should have been done two weeks ago but you were trouncing' around the woods of Maine instead and now that you're sick and already missed two days of work things look even easier now don't they so everything will be fine in 7 to 12 business days.

On the way back to the pharmacy, crawling, NewBlue dies.

Because all this shit gives him a headache.

Or tumor, as the coroner calls it, after they scraped him out from under the street cleaner that ran over his cold, lifeless body, a few blocks from the pharmacy.

*5000 is a bit exaggerated, but when it is too expensive, it may as well be.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ed Bradley

Always liked him. Even when he got that stupid earing.


That's Big

Scheduled to be the world's tallest building upon completion in 2008, the Burj Dubai tower was at 79 floors on October 29, 2006. The one-billion-dollar (U.S.) skyscraper is expected to surpass the current tallest tower in the world, the Taipei 101 building in Taiwan, by hundreds of feet when finished. The final height has not been disclosed.

The thousands working on the project add a new floor to the Burj Dubai every three days. The tower will contain shops, offices, apartments, entertainment facilities, and a hotel.

Land Ho!

Mariners report new island in South Pacific

I hope I hit the lottery. I'll buy a boat, speed out there and be the first to land on that island.

Plant my flag and call it...

Does Keebler Make Popsicles?

You're on an island. Thousands of miles from the nearest civilization. The terrain is rough. Not easy to grow crops. But you prevail. And you create something out of your island.

But I guess anyone that isolated would go a little crazy.

Looking for elves in Iceland

Belief in the unseen runs so high in Iceland that the Public Roads Administration sometimes delays or reroutes road construction to avoid what locals believe are elf habitations or cursed spots.

Search "elves" and "Iceland" on Google and you get 846,000 hits, nearly triple Iceland's population.

Wow. Good thing "elf habitations" wasn't one of our issues in the past election. But then again, Perot could run again.

The Proof Is In The Chimp

As I reported here, there was a chimp loose in Santa Rosa County, Florida.

Naysayers... (was there any? Hard to tell with the onslaught of replys...)

Here is your proof!

Well, it's something!

Three Blind Mice, See How They.... See!

Cell transplants have successfully restored vision to mice which had lost their sight, leading to hopes people could benefit in the same way.

Cool. If this works for people - even cooler!

How did they do this?! Stem cells! Wow, would would have though?!

Keep up the good work Britian!

Mercury Risen

Mercury pass delights skygazers

Oh, how delightful. It gives me titters. Titters?

Did You See Jesus? Because It Might Have Been...

...a dog's ass.

Jesus image appears on dog

The miracle is here!