Thursday, July 26, 2007

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A Haiku I Wrote This Morning

Taxi man cologne
I'm drowning in the backseat
Gasping puking dead.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Vote For Drunk Hamsters!

Do it!

*shakes fist*

Cute Off 2007

Send In The Clones

New 7 Wonders vs. Ancient 7 Wonders

The Lighthouse of Alexandra, Egypt
The lighthouse was the only ancient wonder that had a practical use, serving as a beacon for ships in the dangerous waters off the Egyptian port city of Alexandria, now called El Iskandarîya.

Constructed on the small island of Pharos between 285 and 247 B.C., the building was the world's tallest for many centuries. Its estimated height was 384 feet (117 meters)—equivalent to a modern 40-story building—though some people believe it was significantly taller.

The lighthouse was operated using fire at night and polished bronze mirrors that reflected the sun during the day. It's said the light could be seen for more than 35 miles (50 kilometers) out to sea.

The huge structure towered over the Mediterranean coast for more than 1,500 years before being seriously damaged by earthquakes in A.D. 1303 and 1323.

1,500 years it stood.

Will any of the buildings you see today be around in 1,500 years? Nope.

Photo Gallery: New 7 Wonders vs. Ancient 7 Wonders

The Green Box

The world's richest corporations and finest minds spend billions trying to solve the problem of carbon emissions, but three fishing buddies in North Wales believe they have cracked it.

Will it work? I have no idea. But I do like the way these guys are keeping thier secret:

Not surprisingly, the trio won't show anyone -- not even their wives -- what's inside the box.

After every demonstration they hide its individual components in various locations across North Wales and the technology is divided into three parts, with each inventor being custodian of one section.

"Our three minds hold the three keys and we can only unlock it together," said Houston.

If you're taking money from big oil, they will get you. Good luck fellas.

A History Mystery

City tax records show the building, a onetime warehouse, was built for William Colgate — the civic-minded, deeply Christian soap entrepreneur who founded what is now Colgate Palmolive Co. and helped establish the American Bible Society.

Let's see... a strange symbol. William Colgate.... Colgate makes toothpaste. American Bible Society. What does the bible and toothpaste have in common?

Oh no... Colgate's competition is Crest.

In the bible, Armageddon mentions.... Cavity Creeps!!
My god... if they mess with that symbol, they'll release the Cavity Creeps! Obviously entombed behind that wall for hundreds of years!

You have a better answer?

I Think I've Been Had

I'm looking at my alcohol monitoring bracelet.

I think it's full of crap. Plus, I know I'm smarter than Long Island white trash.

First round is on me!

Squirrel Gets His Due

Well, someone has come up with a brilliant solution.

A squirrel catapult!

Thanks to sexy bitch Anne Altman, who forwarded this link to me from sexy pimp Matt Sears.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows - ENDING SPOILED HERE!

That's right all you muggels! I'm gonna ruin it right here.

Not word for word from the book - but I'm going to sum it up for you. You see, I'm a speed reader. By the time you finish reading this sentence I've already read the entire Denny's menu and I'm on my first bite of Moons Over My Hammy. Mmmmm.

Anyway - here you go... Harry Potter... spoiled!

Wilson finds himself in Tom's house with a gun and Tom - while packing for an escape trip with Daisy - gives Gatsby's name to Wilson. In the meantime, Gatsby is floating in his pool, overwhelmed with depression, thinking that Daisy no longer loves him. While he is still hoping for a call from Daisy, Wilson comes and shoots Gatsby. He then commits suicide on the lawn not too far away.

With Gatsby dead, Nick tries to find people who will attend his funeral only to find that not even his crooked business partners will be there to mourn for him. Finally, Mr. Gatz, Gatsby's father (Gatsby gave himself a new name after leaving home) comes to the funeral, apparently still trapped in the past. He shows Nick a well-worn photograph of Gatsby's house and a book that Gatsby wrote in as a child.

Only three people attend Gatsby's actual funeral - Nick, Mr. Gatz, and "Owl Eyes," a random man who had enjoyed one of Gatsby's parties earlier that summer, but whom Nick hadn't seen since. After permanently severing connections between himself and Jordan, Tom, and Daisy, Nick leaves New York and goes back to the Midwest.

Flooding In Ireland


If this doesn't tug at your heart strings nothing will.

We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans....

This "award-winning" photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there.

Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.

The press never seems to print these photos in our newspapers.

Shoplifting Sam

I Was Told To Make A Right On Canal...

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Councilman Michael Polensek Of Cleveland, Ohio, Rules.

JULY 19--Incensed by the most recent arrest of an alleged drug dealer, a Cleveland politician wrote the perp a scathing, profanity-filled letter that referred to the man as a "crack dealing piece of trash" who should "go to jail or the cemetery soon." In a July 12 letter, a copy of which you'll find below, Councilman Michael Polensek, 57, tore into Arsenio Winston, 18, after learning of the teenager's arrest earlier this month on a felony drug trafficking rap. The letter's writer and its recipient are pictured above. Winston's bust came in Cleveland's 11th Ward, which Polensek has represented since 1982. Writing that jail or a funeral home would be Winston's next stop, Polensek noted, "Quite frankly, I don't care which one you get to first as long as your dumb stupid ass is out of my neighborhood." While Polensek defended the confrontational letter in an interview with the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Winston's mother said she considered the missive a threat to her son and was conferring with her lawyer.

Lady, your son is an asshole. Good for Michael Polensek pointing it out.


As Manhattan was erupting yesterday, I ducked into a subway, hopped on a 1 train and took a trip down to the Film Fourm to visit Manhattan of the past. The not to distant past. Late 70's.

I haven't seen Woody Allen's Manhattan in well over 10 years, and I probably only saw it once so it really was like watching it all over again.

Great movie. Very funny. Very adult. I don't get all the jokes. "Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's." Well, I guess I'd have to research that one, but what I can not stand, and there were plenty in the snooty crowd I watched this movie with, is the people who do get the joke.

They laugh. They laugh REALLY LOUD. Maybe about 4 or 5 people in the crowd. Falling out of their chair at a Kafka joke. Or a Noel Coward joke.

Ok, I get it. YOU get it. But do you really have to laugh out loud "HA! I GET THAT JOKE BECAUSE I'M CULTURED AND I READ!" ??

Shut up asshole.

But apart from the snoots and Woody's whining, it really is a funny movie with with one of the best supporting cast members ever: Manhattan itself.

The city before the war on terror had everyone on edge. Before the skyline looked a little shorter.

The city plays much as part of the movie as the character's messed up lives.

So enjoy one of the best opening scenes ever.... in Spanish! Because of some dumb copyright law.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Hello China!

I see a lot of people checking in from China.

So I'd just like to say hello.

Hello China!

I love you.

Please remember that when you come and visit us in the near future.

I'm Not There - The Bob Dylan Movie

This movie, scheduled to be released in September, is one I am very curious about. I have no idea what to make of the description.I heard about it last year, whereas different actors would be portraying Bob Dylan at different stages in his life. One of those actors would be Cate Blanchett. Um, ok. I think I know where they're going with this.

But here some of the plot outline from

Formerly going by the title of "I'm Not There: Suppositions on a Film
Concerning Dylan", this is a film about the life of Bob Dylan. The film follows
seven characters, each embodying a different aspect of Dylan's life story and

The film is about the life of Bob Dylan's early days as a struggling
folksinger, the rise to the forefront of the early-'60s folk scene, the
controversial switch to rock, the motorcycle accident and the subsequent retreat
from public view, and the latter-day de-emphasis of recording and concentration
on the concert series known as the Never Ending Tour.

Each story expresses an aspect of Dylan's mercurial personality and each
story is to be filmed differently, in a style appropriate to its theme: Woody
(Franklin) - an 11-year-old black boy, always on the run; Robbie - a womanizing
performer, always on the road; Jude (Blanchett) - the young androgynous rock
star; John/Jack (Bale) - a folk idol who reinvents himself as an evangelist;
Billy (Gere) - the famous outlaw, miraculously alive but growing old.

And each actor is credited playing Bob Dylan, but as... another person?It seems it could be an original, suprising film that could work. Or it could fall flat.Until it comes out - here is a preview of Cate Blanchett... as Jude/Bob Dylan... and David Cross as Alan Ginsberg!

Relief Consultation

An email I recieved:

We will put you in touch with an attorney who will work hard to reduce or eliminate your bad history!

Does this attorney have the ability to kill? Sign me up!

The Crapper Is Full...

...of treasure!

"The further you go down, the stronger the smell"

Damn right. Ever drop something in a Port-A-Potty or a Johnny-On-The-Spot?

Me neither.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Well Said...

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

Oscar Wilde


This oddity was spotted outside a Seattle office block and has been the subject of some fevered speculation as to what it might be.

Link about it here.

Clever Druids

Red Dawn

Prison official: "I'm not sure we'll ever know who they were"

Damn right. You'll be lucky not to wake up with your throat slit!

Good to hear we're still planning some kind of top secret mission. Not so good to hear we're missing our targets and have rubber bullets.

Props to the prison guards though, trained to watch the sky.

That something they need to do in France.

There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head

Monkey steals tourist's glasses in India

Oh that monkey is going to pay.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Philadelphia Phillies Lose 10,000 Games

Well, we've been around since 1884, so it was bound to happen.

Enjoy this excellent picture of the 'ol Vet blowing up.

And as a Philadelphia fan, I accept this 10,000th loss.

And like a true Philadelphia fan, as the season progresses (only 5 games out!) I will continue to smile like an abused wife at a dinner party.

Tall Boy McTallerton

Up next, installing the world's highest elevated shower rod. To aviod all the ducking under doorways, Tall Boy McTallerton and his new wife will be living in a nuclear missle silo. I'll bet he was born near one too.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Jungle

Found: the giant lion-eating chimps of the magic forest

Deep in the Congolese jungle is a band of apes that, according to local legend, kill lions, catch fish and even howl at the moon. Local hunters speak of massive creatures that seem to be some sort of hybrid between a chimp and a gorilla.

Let's hope they can stay there and the mid-sized meat eating men of the city leave them alone.

But still, this proves my theory. Hybrids are dangerous. And this hybrid seems to be even more dangerous than the alien-human hybrid. Yes, it's a theory.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Look! Up In The Air!

Man flies 193 miles in lawn chair

That's much cheaper than the train to Philadelphia. Momma, I'm comin' home!

Baby Mammoth

Drunky Smurf Evicted

A more than 20kg mushroom has been picked in a forest in Mexico's southernmost state of Chiapas, university officials said on Tuesday.

The white mushroom, macrocybe titans, measured a towering 70cm tall, was found near Tapachula, near the Guatemalan border, according to the Southern Border University Centre.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tigger Buried Alive!

Tigger The Tiger, seen here in happier times.

In an extremely unfortunate case of misidentity, Tigger the Tiger, from the children's stories of Winnie The Pooh, was buried alive today in Detroit.
But due to a misunderstanding to the planning the previous evening, Tigger, on his way to make a surprise appearance at an orphanage's dinner, was grabbed off the street. It is not known at this time what condition Tigger was in when placed in the coffin, however once the mistake was realized and the coffin was dug up, a witness tells us that there were claw marks on the inside of the coffin. Tigger the Tiger was unresponsive and announced DOA at the Detroit Zoo.

This tragedy could have been avoided if parents just taught their kids to be smart and kind to their fellow man instead of spreading stupidity and ignorance.

Monday, July 09, 2007

In 33 Years, America Will Be Bankrupt

Anyone see 60 Minutes last night?

This is the U.S. Comptroller General David Walker.

And the story he tells in scary. Very, very scary.

Beginning next year, and for 20 years thereafter, 78 million Americans will become pensioners and medical dependents of the U.S. taxpayer.

"The first baby boomer will reach 62 and be eligible for early retirement of Social Security January 1, 2008. They'll be eligible for Medicare just three years later. And when those boomers start retiring in mass, then that will be a tsunami of spending that could swamp our ship of state if we don't get serious," Walker explains.

To illustrate their impact, he uses a power point presentation to show what would happen in 30 years if the U.S. maintains its current course and fulfills all of the promises politicians have made to the public on things like Social Security and Medicare.

What would happen in 2040 if nothing changes?

"If nothing changes, the federal government's not gonna be able to do much more than pay interest on the mounting debt and some entitlement benefits. It won't have money left for anything else – national defense, homeland security, education, you name it," Walker warns.

Bankrupt. The end of the republic.

It's the dirty secret that everyone in Washington knows about - and is doing nothing to solve it.

Damn it. I've hiding all my treasure. Once I get some.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Babies Are Evil

This makes total sense. I knew I saw my baby brother steal my wallet, steal my car and then buy a copy of Juggs and a carton of Camels. And I got blamed for it. Rat bastard kids. Always meddeling.

Deathbed UFO Confession About Roswell

But last week came an astonishing new twist to the Roswell mystery.

Lieutenant Walter Haut was the public relations officer at the base in
1947 and was the man who issued the original and subsequent press releases after
the crash on the orders of the base commander, Colonel William Blanchard.

Haut died last year but left a sworn affidavit to be opened only after
his death.
Last week, the text was released and asserts that the weather
balloon claim was a cover story and that the real object had been recovered by
the military and stored in a hangar. He described seeing not just the craft, but
alien bodies. He wasn't the first Roswell witness to talk about alien

Local undertaker Glenn Dennis had long claimed that he was contacted by
authorities at Roswell shortly after the crash and asked to provide a number of
child-sized coffins.

When he arrived at the base, he was apparently told by a nurse (who
later disappeared) that a UFO had crashed and that small humanoid
extraterrestrials had been recovered. But Haut is the only one of the original
participants to claim to have seen alien bodies.

Well, well, well. A practical joke to last years after he's gone or loyalty until the end in which concern for mankind wins out over military orders?

Hard to tell. But the article makes a good point. This guy could have made a lot of money while he was retired and alive, but chose not too.

I was leaning towards a secret government aircraft, but this has me thinking twice again.

Besides, what's the point of lyin' when you're dyin'?

Eternal Sunshine...?

Could be.

Not sure how I feel about this. Although there are a few... well, YEARS I'd like to forget. But then again, those painful moments make you who you are don't they? And I'm downright loveable. So it might be a bad thing to forget. Then again, maybe I wouldn't cringe so much because I can't get those moments out of my head. Maybe I'd start with 2006. Nothing good came out of it.

Electrolux Is...

A.) a vacuum cleaner

B.) a fish

C.) Both

Ok, it's C. Can't fool you, can I?

New fish named after vacuum cleaner

Personally, I would have called it Mr. Hoover.

Paint Jam

Watch 'till the end!